Greetings, Wife
To inform you that I’m permanently leaving you, I’m writing to you. After seven years of marriage, I’ve tried my best to be a nice husband, but I’ve accomplished nothing.
These last two weeks have been really difficult. The last straw was when your manager told me that you resigned your job today. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice my new haircut, the fact that I made your favorite meal, or that I was wearing new silk boxers. You finished eating in two minutes and watched your TV shows before falling asleep. We’re no longer intimate, and you don’t tell me you love me. Whether you’re not in love with me anymore or you’re cheating,
Your former spouse
P.S. Don’t try to find me.
—
To My Former Spouse,
Getting your note brightened my day. Yes, our marriage has lasted seven years, but you certainly aren’t a good man. You always complaining, and I watch TV to drown it out, but it doesn’t even work.
Although I saw your haircut, I chose not to comment because it made you appear like a girl. I quit eating pork seven years ago, so you must have thought I was my sister when you prepared “my favorite meal.” As for the new silk boxers, I looked away because they still had the $49.99 price tag, and my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.
I still loved you and believed that we could work things out in spite of everything. Therefore, I resigned my work and got us two tickets to Jamaica after winning $10 million in the lottery. However, you had left when I arrived home.
I suppose there’s a reason why everything happens. According to my attorney, your letter guarantees you won’t receive any money from me. Thus, be careful.
Acknowledged,
Your Rich, Free Ex-Wife
P.S. Carl is the name of my sister Carla. I hope that won’t be an issue.
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